Abuse is Not Just a Young Person’s Problem

By Deborah Jeanne Sergeant

 

Domestic violence is not a problem only among young couples struggling to establish a new life together.

It’s also a growing problem for couples over 55.

More than 1 in 3 women will have at least one incidence of domestic violence in their lives, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and women comprise 85% of victims attacked by a husband or male partner.

DV affects every class, race and religion. Several studies indicate that prevalence of domestic violence is just as high among those active in religion as those who do not participate.

In the 55-plus age demographic, “it’s something we frequently see,” said Brittany Desain, adult advocacy coordinator at Safe Harbors of the Finger Lakes, Inc. in Geneva. “Within the last year or so, we’ve seen an increase in the number of different capacities. We have a nine-bed dwelling and we’ve seen requests in that age range. We serve men and women but primarily the people who reach out are women.”

In adults 55-plus, the dynamics of why women stay is different from younger women.

Many times, the abuse started when the couple was much younger but women stay because they have traditional values spurring them to keep the family intact.

They also may not be able to keep their pets if they move out. Most apartments do not allow pets, so some women stay for their animals.

By the time they’re 55-plus, many women have a lifestyle that is not sustainable by themselves, even if the women work outside their home. Breaking away from the relationship will represent a much more severe financial loss for women 55-plus than for younger women who have many working years ahead of them.

As their children grow up and leave home, abused women may decide that it’s too late to start over in their 50s or 60s.

Despite the abuse they endure, women fear more being alone and all of the unknowns that go with that. They realize that their chances of finding someone again are much lower than when they were in their 20s.

The social fallout is greater the older one becomes. The couple likely has many mutual friendships that would be negatively affected once the secret of the abuse has come to light.

It can be hard to seek practical help.

“For that age range, there’s a gap in services they could receive because they’re not necessarily 65-plus,” Desain said. “Sometimes when working with clients, you try to connect with age– specific services and they may not be able to use things from Office for the Aging or be in a different age range for their insurance options. There could be specific age-related restrictions about help for moving.”

The victims may be too young for inexpensive “senior” housing, but unable to afford their own place to live.

Moving in with someone else may not be feasible.

“The support system they may have had could have passed away or moved,” Desain said. “They may have damaged or strained relationships with their adult children. It can be a lonely place to be.”

Seeking law enforcement assistance can be hard as well. If the woman calls the police, obtains an order of protection or takes other legal action, the retaliative abuse can escalate, especially if her husband feels his standing in the community and employment tenure is threatened. Younger men may not care about this as much.

Sometimes, women consider asking for help from non-law enforcement sources such as the couple’s spiritual leader, a trusted family member or close friend. These are people who have known the couple a long time but only see the good side of the abuser. She may be disregarded or receive not-so-helpful advice such as “Pray him through it” or “You made your bed  now sleep in it” or “I’ll speak with him and make him stop.”

Few people outside of those who have experienced domestic violence understand the power dynamics of an abusive relationship.

It is not a situation of establishing boundaries or putting him in his place. Abuse starts subtly and builds over time until the victim has so few resources of time, money and personal autonomy that leaving feels nearly impossible. The average victim attempts leaving the relationship seven times before becoming successful.

“Domestic violence is unfortunately common among older adults but is often not always recognized or reported as such,” said Ilse Passalacqua chair on the domestic violence consortium board at Lifespan of Greater Rochester. “Only 1 in 24 cases of elder abuse and elder domestic violence is reported.”

This includes a romantic relationship or a family caregiver situation.

Passalacqua added that older victims are more likely to die because of physical abuse due to the effects of aging. However, these deaths are not as likely to be investigated as DV because it may appear that the victims died because of the aging process.

In caregiver situations, victims may hesitate to speak up because they do not want their caregiver to get in trouble, as it’s often their spouse or adult child. Further, if their caregiver gets in trouble, the victim may have no other means of receiving care except in a long-term care facility.

The victims may not report DV because they may not recognize that they are victims. Even if they suffer no cognitive impairment, victims may not understand that what they experience is abuse because of longstanding views of DV.

“It was not until the mid-1970s that women could get a restraining order against her husband without also filing for divorce,” Passalacqua said. “It was not until 1994 that all 50 states had adopted some form of protective order law and it wasn’t until 1993 that marital rape was made illegal in all 50 states.”

Since many women older than 60 view domestic violence as a relationship problem or the family’s “dirty laundry,” they may not feel they should bring it to anyone’s attention.

Domestic violence includes a power imbalance in a relationship where the abuser uses intimidation, physical harm, coercion or gaslighting to control the victim. Often when victims stand up for themselves or attempt to leave, the abuse worsens and reinforces the need to comply.

Anyone who thinks that they or a friend or family member may be a victim should reach out to the Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence at 800-942-6906 (call) or 844-997-2121 (text).

 

Domestic Violence Local Resources

Some of the resources in the Greater Rochester region includes:

• NY Connects at 585-325-2800 and request the Elder Abuse Prevention Program

• Monroe County APS at 585-753-6532

• Concerned Persons Helpline 844-746-6905

• Safe Harbors of the Finger Lakes, Inc. in Geneva 800-247-7273